PTSD and travelling

PTSD and travelling

When my emotional abusive friends abandoned me in 2013, I suddenly had big plans which I was also able to accomplish. I had appointments at school, to start again in 2014 (earned 2 diplomas by 2017) and I also planned a 4-day solo trip to London. Though I felt abandoned, it happened to be a blessing in disguise. If they had not done so, because they could not use me anymore. I would not have been able to become as…

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Easter and how I survived with PTSD

Easter and how I survived with PTSD

Ah, the holidays. The home where most trauma triggers meet. Easter, this time. Whether you are still in contact with your family or not, they are an annual full blown reminder of abuse. When I met other child abuse survivors, I realised how lucky I am. I was able to go no contact and not see my family. Part of that was easier to do, due to the fact they abandoned me a long time ago. I never realised this…

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What happens when (C)PTSD and an abuse free future meet

What happens when (C)PTSD and an abuse free future meet

Chaos happens. It’s a new type of chaos, that doesn’t feel as heavy as the old chaos. Whoever follows me on social media already read or noticed I have been doing amazingly well lately. Not that PTSD is gone and that I am cured; it’s more of being able to deal with triggers, stay in the present and more importantly: look in to the future. It’s been going so well, I don’t even need EMDR therapy for now. What does…

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Behavioural Wednesday – Freeze response

Behavioural Wednesday – Freeze response

Monday I had the perfect example of what the freeze response does in a person with (C)PTSD. Whether other people notice or not, I noticed my behaviour. I noticed how my body felt as if there was a threat. And to be honest, there was. The only problem is that my body reacts to it like I’m still a child and I can’t respond like the adult that I am. My Instagram poll showed a 100% of other (child)abuse survivors…

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Behavioural wednesday – Guilt and responsibility

Behavioural wednesday – Guilt and responsibility

Sorry… Sorry, sorry, sorry. I think my first word was sorry. A lot of abuse survivors seem to use this word a lot. My Instagram poll showed 83%. Some where voted individually and I had to calculate them with the main one. Why do we say sorry so much? And why do we feel responsible, for everything? I have been thinking about this a lot lately.   I grew up to be responsible for my mother’s needs.  Obviously I wasn’t…

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Behavioural Wednesday – Dependency

Behavioural Wednesday – Dependency

In recent conversations with my mentor we discussed how independent I am in a lot of areas, or I wouldn’t have managed to live by myself for almost 12 years now. I am not sure how I learnt to do this, maybe because I had to. Maybe it was pure survival. I have been taking care of myself and the family ever since my dad has had different types of strokes, heart attacks and a life threatening accident at work…

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Behavioural Wednesday – Eye contact

Behavioural Wednesday – Eye contact

In this first post of my behavioural series, I want to talk about one of my behaviours I never realised I struggle with. Eye contact. I think it’s one of my key behaviours that shows I was abused, but only other survivors and people who understand the effects and affects of abuse will see this as a sign. That is exactly why I want to start off with eye contact. It has nothing to do with self esteem issues (though…

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The effects of childhood neglect

The effects of childhood neglect

Now that it’s time for me to learn to take control and take care of myself, I can see just how much I have always neglected myself. Being surrounded by toxic people didn’t help me much either.  After all, if I focus on me, I will lose focus on them. So they made sure I kept neglecting myself, I don’t think they even noticed.  Self absorbed and other toxic people only notice what affects them. How different is it that…

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When you learn to take control over your life

When you learn to take control over your life

The last couple of weeks I have had feelings of being controlled, it’s an insight I have never had before. Therapy helps me see so much about myself I used to dismiss or didn’t even see. Like my friend K. told me, EMDR is a magical thing. And it truly is. My brain has been making so many connections the last two weeks, my body reacts to it. There is a tug of war going on in my body and…

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When we have to say goodbye to our therapists

When we have to say goodbye to our therapists

Goodbyes… Everyone has dealt with them and everyone is going to deal with them again. Saying goodbye is a part of life. Whether you or someone you love moves away or when someone dies, goodbye is inevitable. Right now, I am facing them again. It’s time to say goodbye to both of my therapists.   Goodbye gives closure. There have been a lot of moments in my life where I wasn’t able to say goodbye. Surrounded by mostly toxic people…

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