• Do we really mourn our childhood?

    It’s been a while since my last post, a lot has been going on and I wasn’t able to blog about it. Anyone who follows me on social media will know bits and pieces of how I’ve been dealing with everything. I have been dealing with a lot since I started EMDR therapy. I thought it would be easier to handle than Exposure Therapy and in a way, it is. There is still the fact that trauma is trauma and no matter what type of therapy you get to help you heal from them, they are not magically less difficult. I am stuck with the trauma I am working on…

  • Dissociative subtype of PTSD or Dissociative Identity Disorder?

    Last week I saw my dear friend T. again. She was in the neighbourhood and invited me for coffee or lunch in a place nearby. I opted for coffee but, and we should have known, it turned out to be both. We have so much to talk about, that next time we should just go for lunch straight away! At some point during our many conversations, she asked me how she can spot the dissociation signs, both obvious and less obvious. She told me she doesn’t want to send me home by myself when I am in a dissociative state and afraid. Honestly, this is the first time anyone cares…

  • Dissociation part 2

    It has been almost a month since my last blog post, I honestly thought it was close to two weeks. A lot has happened in the last month and  I have severe dissociative episodes. A lot of people have been telling me they don’t notice anything when I am dissociating, part of that has to do with the fact that I have used this coping skill since I was little. I go on auto pilot and go to work and meet with friends and do all my normal things. So here it is, dissociation part 2.   I can feel outside my body whilst I work (like I’m watching myself…

  • Uncovered Emotions

    The last week my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. Opening up about the sexual abuse after 20 years, is extremely difficult. Together with my therapist I have been exploring how I must have felt whilst I kept everything to myself. This uncovered a lot of hidden emotions, which at times scare me.   Being an emotional dumping ground for everyone, I have difficulty to recognise my own emotions. My first responds to “What are you thinking?” and “What are you feeling?” is, “I don’t know”. Followed by “Sad?” or a different emotion. I never learnt to recognise my own emotions because I wasn’t allowed to have…

  • Self-care

    One of the most important things you can do in your life, is to take care of you. One thing I learnt last year is that you can’t keep running around for everyone without taking care of yourself. Especially if these people claim to do the same for you and you realise they’d put in the minimum to get the maximum out of you. With my breakdown last year, I learnt I have always done this . With that, I learnt the importance of self-care. Not just the importance of it, but what self-care means to me and what part of it is important for me to be healthy and…

  • Birthday girl

    Today is my 30th birthday! I haven’t been this excited since my 8th birthday and I received a Baby Born doll I really wanted. It’s the only thing I remember from that day too, it seems significant right now. I wanted to write a blog post about all the horrible birthday memories I have. I changed my mind. Yes, I feel sad today. That is probably why I wanted to write about it. Instead, I want to let you know 30 true facts about me. Share the gifts I bought for myself  and what I plan to do today. Let me start with my plans for today. I am a…

  • Child sexual abuse

    A name to what happened to me. When you name something, you make it real. Just like how I named child abuse and narcissistic abuse, I gave a name to what happened to me. Because it has, all of it has happened to me. I am aware this will come as a shock to people who know me. I was between the age of 9 and 12. And once when I was 17. The inevitable has happened, maybe this is what I have been afraid of all along. Traumas I know I locked away surfaced and I cannot hide them any more. That is what happens when you recover from…

  • Books and other hobbies

    This past week I have been working on creating a list of books I want to read or have read about different topics based on my mental health. These topics include (C)PTSD and childhood trauma.   Reading has always been a big part of my life. Up until 11 years ago I used to finish a 600-700 paged book in about a month. Before the age of 10, my allowance would go to book series about a ballerina (whilst I write this blog, these memories surface). When Harry Potter was released, I begged my dad to buy it for me. When I was 13, I started to read books in…

  • Dissociation

    It has been quite a while since my last post. The reason for that is dissociation, I simply did not know three weeks have passed by. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, other times it feels like a week ago. Which is exactly what happened now. I thought my last blog post was a week ago until I read it was posted on the 11th.  I want to share more information with you about dissociation. Now, you might think “why don’t you use a planner?” or “why don’t you make to do lists?”. I do, I do all of things to remind myself of tasks that need to be done. Often…

  • EMDR or Exposure Therapy?

    There are a lot of moments in your life in which you have to ask yourself, “Is this still effective?”. Working on my recovery, I have stumbled on a lot of those moments. And right now I am there again. EMDR or Exposure Therapy?     Since the last Exposure Therapy session didn’t exactly go as planned. I’m left with the decision whether or not to go through with it. At first I thought the anxiety it opened up was a good thing. It was after I was unable to leave the house and spiralled into a depression again, I realised it wasn’t as good as I had hoped for.…