This past week I have been working on creating a list of books I want to read or have read about different topics based on my mental health. These topics include (C)PTSD and childhood trauma.
Reading has always been a big part of my life. Up until 11 years ago I used to finish a 600-700 paged book in about a month. Before the age of 10, my allowance would go to book series about a ballerina (whilst I write this blog, these memories surface). When Harry Potter was released, I begged my dad to buy it for me. When I was 13, I started to read books in English. It is still my preferred language to read.
Due to PTSD I was unable to read, though I kept buying books and I kept trying. I just couldn’t concentrate. For a long time I wondered if I still liked to read. I have a bookcase full with books I haven’t started and books I have never finished. With my own rediscovery, I found out that in fact I still love to read. I was just unable to do so because of the flashbacks that pop up in my head. Another cause is the chronic depression. It makes you really uninterested in things you usually love. Living in a constant state of low key depression, I was unable to find pleasure in things I love to do. I was forcing myself to do these things.
Lately I have been going back to my 9/10 year old self and discovered old passions. Watercolour drawings and paintings (to see my watercolours and other work, click here), reading and computers. I love to learn and I am curious by nature. I always have to figure out how stuff works. When I was 9, I found out where babies came from. Not because I asked my parents and they explained it to me. No, I found one of their books about babies and started to read it. That’s how I found out. It didn’t matter what I read, as long as I could read.
So when I came home today from a lovely brunch, I noticed the weather was still warm. The sun was out and I went to sit outside, with a cup of tea and a book. I started one last year and had not been able to finish it yet. When I started to feel a little bit hungry, I noticed I had been reading for a while. I read over 30 pages without losing track of what I read! I had to stop to write this post, but I am definitely going to read a few more pages before I go to bed.
That, my friends is progress in my recovery. I have my old passions back and I don’t feel anxious when I paint or read. I only feel calm.
The reading list can be found here: Book recommendations
Love & Light, Sandra