• What happens when (C)PTSD and an abuse free future meet

    Chaos happens. It’s a new type of chaos, that doesn’t feel as heavy as the old chaos. Whoever follows me on social media already read or noticed I have been doing amazingly well lately. Not that PTSD is gone and that I am cured; it’s more of being able to deal with triggers, stay in the present and more importantly: look in to the future. It’s been going so well, I don’t even need EMDR therapy for now. What does this mean for my blog? Not much, apart from the fact I realised I want to start to write about my progress and my future. This means I will write…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Freeze response

    Monday I had the perfect example of what the freeze response does in a person with (C)PTSD. Whether other people notice or not, I noticed my behaviour. I noticed how my body felt as if there was a threat. And to be honest, there was. The only problem is that my body reacts to it like I’m still a child and I can’t respond like the adult that I am. My Instagram poll showed a 100% of other (child)abuse survivors react with the freeze response too.   My earliest memory of the freeze response is from when I was 11 years old (but I have most likely frozen a lot…

  • Behavioural wednesday – Guilt and responsibility

    Sorry… Sorry, sorry, sorry. I think my first word was sorry. A lot of abuse survivors seem to use this word a lot. My Instagram poll showed 83%. Some where voted individually and I had to calculate them with the main one. Why do we say sorry so much? And why do we feel responsible, for everything? I have been thinking about this a lot lately.   I grew up to be responsible for my mother’s needs.  Obviously I wasn’t responsible, she made me responsible. I was her mirror to cast all her negativity on. Guilt grew with these responsibilities because my mother was never happy. Having to walk around…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Dependency

    In recent conversations with my mentor we discussed how independent I am in a lot of areas, or I wouldn’t have managed to live by myself for almost 12 years now. I am not sure how I learnt to do this, maybe because I had to. Maybe it was pure survival. I have been taking care of myself and the family ever since my dad has had different types of strokes, heart attacks and a life threatening accident at work (he had another accident at work which killed him 12 1/2 years ago). This started when I was 10 years old, this was also the year I was stopped being…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Eye contact

    In this first post of my behavioural series, I want to talk about one of my behaviours I never realised I struggle with. Eye contact. I think it’s one of my key behaviours that shows I was abused, but only other survivors and people who understand the effects and affects of abuse will see this as a sign. That is exactly why I want to start off with eye contact. It has nothing to do with self esteem issues (though that is another issue) or autism (in my case), it has everything to do with fear. My Instagram poll showed 88% of my following abuse survivors have difficulty with eye…

  • When we have to say goodbye to our therapists

    Goodbyes… Everyone has dealt with them and everyone is going to deal with them again. Saying goodbye is a part of life. Whether you or someone you love moves away or when someone dies, goodbye is inevitable. Right now, I am facing them again. It’s time to say goodbye to both of my therapists.   Goodbye gives closure. There have been a lot of moments in my life where I wasn’t able to say goodbye. Surrounded by mostly toxic people these “friendships” where either cut off by me (because I saw that the person was using me or trying to control me) or by others (because they saw that I…

  • Do we really mourn our childhood?

    It’s been a while since my last post, a lot has been going on and I wasn’t able to blog about it. Anyone who follows me on social media will know bits and pieces of how I’ve been dealing with everything. I have been dealing with a lot since I started EMDR therapy. I thought it would be easier to handle than Exposure Therapy and in a way, it is. There is still the fact that trauma is trauma and no matter what type of therapy you get to help you heal from them, they are not magically less difficult. I am stuck with the trauma I am working on…

  • Uncovered Emotions

    The last week my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. Opening up about the sexual abuse after 20 years, is extremely difficult. Together with my therapist I have been exploring how I must have felt whilst I kept everything to myself. This uncovered a lot of hidden emotions, which at times scare me.   Being an emotional dumping ground for everyone, I have difficulty to recognise my own emotions. My first responds to “What are you thinking?” and “What are you feeling?” is, “I don’t know”. Followed by “Sad?” or a different emotion. I never learnt to recognise my own emotions because I wasn’t allowed to have…

  • EMDR or Exposure Therapy?

    There are a lot of moments in your life in which you have to ask yourself, “Is this still effective?”. Working on my recovery, I have stumbled on a lot of those moments. And right now I am there again. EMDR or Exposure Therapy?     Since the last Exposure Therapy session didn’t exactly go as planned. I’m left with the decision whether or not to go through with it. At first I thought the anxiety it opened up was a good thing. It was after I was unable to leave the house and spiralled into a depression again, I realised it wasn’t as good as I had hoped for.…

  • Blog change

    When I started this blog I knew I wanted to accomplish something with it. However, I did not know how I wanted to do that just yet. Like my daddy used to say:   Just start and you will find out how it works out for you. If it works, awesome, you won. If it doesn’t, that’s okay, you learnt.       Failure did not exist in my father’s dictionary, in a good sense. He made sure I kept trying but when he died, I missed his external encouragement. I did not have it internalised because of my mother’s abuse. I simply could not believe I could amount to…