• What happens when (C)PTSD and an abuse free future meet

    Chaos happens. It’s a new type of chaos, that doesn’t feel as heavy as the old chaos. Whoever follows me on social media already read or noticed I have been doing amazingly well lately. Not that PTSD is gone and that I am cured; it’s more of being able to deal with triggers, stay in the present and more importantly: look in to the future. It’s been going so well, I don’t even need EMDR therapy for now. What does this mean for my blog? Not much, apart from the fact I realised I want to start to write about my progress and my future. This means I will write…

  • Behavioural wednesday – Guilt and responsibility

    Sorry… Sorry, sorry, sorry. I think my first word was sorry. A lot of abuse survivors seem to use this word a lot. My Instagram poll showed 83%. Some where voted individually and I had to calculate them with the main one. Why do we say sorry so much? And why do we feel responsible, for everything? I have been thinking about this a lot lately.   I grew up to be responsible for my mother’s needs.  Obviously I wasn’t responsible, she made me responsible. I was her mirror to cast all her negativity on. Guilt grew with these responsibilities because my mother was never happy. Having to walk around…

  • When we have to say goodbye to our therapists

    Goodbyes… Everyone has dealt with them and everyone is going to deal with them again. Saying goodbye is a part of life. Whether you or someone you love moves away or when someone dies, goodbye is inevitable. Right now, I am facing them again. It’s time to say goodbye to both of my therapists.   Goodbye gives closure. There have been a lot of moments in my life where I wasn’t able to say goodbye. Surrounded by mostly toxic people these “friendships” where either cut off by me (because I saw that the person was using me or trying to control me) or by others (because they saw that I…

  • Dissociative subtype of PTSD or Dissociative Identity Disorder?

    Last week I saw my dear friend T. again. She was in the neighbourhood and invited me for coffee or lunch in a place nearby. I opted for coffee but, and we should have known, it turned out to be both. We have so much to talk about, that next time we should just go for lunch straight away! At some point during our many conversations, she asked me how she can spot the dissociation signs, both obvious and less obvious. She told me she doesn’t want to send me home by myself when I am in a dissociative state and afraid. Honestly, this is the first time anyone cares…

  • Dissociation part 2

    It has been almost a month since my last blog post, I honestly thought it was close to two weeks. A lot has happened in the last month and  I have severe dissociative episodes. A lot of people have been telling me they don’t notice anything when I am dissociating, part of that has to do with the fact that I have used this coping skill since I was little. I go on auto pilot and go to work and meet with friends and do all my normal things. So here it is, dissociation part 2.   I can feel outside my body whilst I work (like I’m watching myself…

  • Silver linings

    There are silver linings in my recovery. Last week I noticed some significant changes in my thought process. I promised myself to tell the people close around me (a.k.a. neighbours who I used to see every single week), what had been going on with me. I was able to calm myself down and reprocess my thoughts and see different perspectives. “The great courageous act that we must all do, is to have the courage to step out of our history and past so that we can live our dreams.” ― Oprah Winfrey Of course, my thought process wasn’t healthy and it sure still isn’t. I went on to ‘let the…