• Behavioural Wednesday – Freeze response

    Monday I had the perfect example of what the freeze response does in a person with (C)PTSD. Whether other people notice or not, I noticed my behaviour. I noticed how my body felt as if there was a threat. And to be honest, there was. The only problem is that my body reacts to it like I’m still a child and I can’t respond like the adult that I am. My Instagram poll showed a 100% of other (child)abuse survivors react with the freeze response too.   My earliest memory of the freeze response is from when I was 11 years old (but I have most likely frozen a lot…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Dependency

    In recent conversations with my mentor we discussed how independent I am in a lot of areas, or I wouldn’t have managed to live by myself for almost 12 years now. I am not sure how I learnt to do this, maybe because I had to. Maybe it was pure survival. I have been taking care of myself and the family ever since my dad has had different types of strokes, heart attacks and a life threatening accident at work (he had another accident at work which killed him 12 1/2 years ago). This started when I was 10 years old, this was also the year I was stopped being…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Eye contact

    In this first post of my behavioural series, I want to talk about one of my behaviours I never realised I struggle with. Eye contact. I think it’s one of my key behaviours that shows I was abused, but only other survivors and people who understand the effects and affects of abuse will see this as a sign. That is exactly why I want to start off with eye contact. It has nothing to do with self esteem issues (though that is another issue) or autism (in my case), it has everything to do with fear. My Instagram poll showed 88% of my following abuse survivors have difficulty with eye…

  • Dissociative subtype of PTSD or Dissociative Identity Disorder?

    Last week I saw my dear friend T. again. She was in the neighbourhood and invited me for coffee or lunch in a place nearby. I opted for coffee but, and we should have known, it turned out to be both. We have so much to talk about, that next time we should just go for lunch straight away! At some point during our many conversations, she asked me how she can spot the dissociation signs, both obvious and less obvious. She told me she doesn’t want to send me home by myself when I am in a dissociative state and afraid. Honestly, this is the first time anyone cares…

  • Self-care

    One of the most important things you can do in your life, is to take care of you. One thing I learnt last year is that you can’t keep running around for everyone without taking care of yourself. Especially if these people claim to do the same for you and you realise they’d put in the minimum to get the maximum out of you. With my breakdown last year, I learnt I have always done this . With that, I learnt the importance of self-care. Not just the importance of it, but what self-care means to me and what part of it is important for me to be healthy and…

  • Dissociation

    It has been quite a while since my last post. The reason for that is dissociation, I simply did not know three weeks have passed by. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, other times it feels like a week ago. Which is exactly what happened now. I thought my last blog post was a week ago until I read it was posted on the 11th.  I want to share more information with you about dissociation. Now, you might think “why don’t you use a planner?” or “why don’t you make to do lists?”. I do, I do all of things to remind myself of tasks that need to be done. Often…

  • Blog change

    When I started this blog I knew I wanted to accomplish something with it. However, I did not know how I wanted to do that just yet. Like my daddy used to say:   Just start and you will find out how it works out for you. If it works, awesome, you won. If it doesn’t, that’s okay, you learnt.       Failure did not exist in my father’s dictionary, in a good sense. He made sure I kept trying but when he died, I missed his external encouragement. I did not have it internalised because of my mother’s abuse. I simply could not believe I could amount to…