• What happens when (C)PTSD and an abuse free future meet

    Chaos happens. It’s a new type of chaos, that doesn’t feel as heavy as the old chaos. Whoever follows me on social media already read or noticed I have been doing amazingly well lately. Not that PTSD is gone and that I am cured; it’s more of being able to deal with triggers, stay in the present and more importantly: look in to the future. It’s been going so well, I don’t even need EMDR therapy for now. What does this mean for my blog? Not much, apart from the fact I realised I want to start to write about my progress and my future. This means I will write…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Freeze response

    Monday I had the perfect example of what the freeze response does in a person with (C)PTSD. Whether other people notice or not, I noticed my behaviour. I noticed how my body felt as if there was a threat. And to be honest, there was. The only problem is that my body reacts to it like I’m still a child and I can’t respond like the adult that I am. My Instagram poll showed a 100% of other (child)abuse survivors react with the freeze response too.   My earliest memory of the freeze response is from when I was 11 years old (but I have most likely frozen a lot…

  • Behavioural wednesday – Guilt and responsibility

    Sorry… Sorry, sorry, sorry. I think my first word was sorry. A lot of abuse survivors seem to use this word a lot. My Instagram poll showed 83%. Some where voted individually and I had to calculate them with the main one. Why do we say sorry so much? And why do we feel responsible, for everything? I have been thinking about this a lot lately.   I grew up to be responsible for my mother’s needs.  Obviously I wasn’t responsible, she made me responsible. I was her mirror to cast all her negativity on. Guilt grew with these responsibilities because my mother was never happy. Having to walk around…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Dependency

    In recent conversations with my mentor we discussed how independent I am in a lot of areas, or I wouldn’t have managed to live by myself for almost 12 years now. I am not sure how I learnt to do this, maybe because I had to. Maybe it was pure survival. I have been taking care of myself and the family ever since my dad has had different types of strokes, heart attacks and a life threatening accident at work (he had another accident at work which killed him 12 1/2 years ago). This started when I was 10 years old, this was also the year I was stopped being…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Eye contact

    In this first post of my behavioural series, I want to talk about one of my behaviours I never realised I struggle with. Eye contact. I think it’s one of my key behaviours that shows I was abused, but only other survivors and people who understand the effects and affects of abuse will see this as a sign. That is exactly why I want to start off with eye contact. It has nothing to do with self esteem issues (though that is another issue) or autism (in my case), it has everything to do with fear. My Instagram poll showed 88% of my following abuse survivors have difficulty with eye…

  • The effects of childhood neglect

    Now that it’s time for me to learn to take control and take care of myself, I can see just how much I have always neglected myself. Being surrounded by toxic people didn’t help me much either.  After all, if I focus on me, I will lose focus on them. So they made sure I kept neglecting myself, I don’t think they even noticed.  Self absorbed and other toxic people only notice what affects them. How different is it that I now only have people around me who want me to recover and heal. Who like me, care for one another and want nothing but the best for them. Without…

  • When you learn to take control over your life

    The last couple of weeks I have had feelings of being controlled, it’s an insight I have never had before. Therapy helps me see so much about myself I used to dismiss or didn’t even see. Like my friend K. told me, EMDR is a magical thing. And it truly is. My brain has been making so many connections the last two weeks, my body reacts to it. There is a tug of war going on in my body and mind and it’s exhausting. For the first time I’m truly breaking free and I can feel the shackles and chains, rattle and break. I want to take control over my…

  • When we have to say goodbye to our therapists

    Goodbyes… Everyone has dealt with them and everyone is going to deal with them again. Saying goodbye is a part of life. Whether you or someone you love moves away or when someone dies, goodbye is inevitable. Right now, I am facing them again. It’s time to say goodbye to both of my therapists.   Goodbye gives closure. There have been a lot of moments in my life where I wasn’t able to say goodbye. Surrounded by mostly toxic people these “friendships” where either cut off by me (because I saw that the person was using me or trying to control me) or by others (because they saw that I…

  • Art and its ability to heal

    One of the greatest gifts I received is the ability to create, specifically to draw. Anyone who follows my social media follows my journey of rediscovery. This gift was taken from me by dissociative amnesia and I didn’t even know I once drew and painted. Recovering from a lifetime of abuse also brought back positivity. It brought back passions I forgot I had and skills I forgot I learnt.   The great thing about art is that anyone can do it, it comes from the heart. It can make you feel emotions, it can make you use your imagination and it can heal you.       When you create,…

  • Do we really mourn our childhood?

    It’s been a while since my last post, a lot has been going on and I wasn’t able to blog about it. Anyone who follows me on social media will know bits and pieces of how I’ve been dealing with everything. I have been dealing with a lot since I started EMDR therapy. I thought it would be easier to handle than Exposure Therapy and in a way, it is. There is still the fact that trauma is trauma and no matter what type of therapy you get to help you heal from them, they are not magically less difficult. I am stuck with the trauma I am working on…