• Behavioural Wednesday – Freeze response

    Monday I had the perfect example of what the freeze response does in a person with (C)PTSD. Whether other people notice or not, I noticed my behaviour. I noticed how my body felt as if there was a threat. And to be honest, there was. The only problem is that my body reacts to it like I’m still a child and I can’t respond like the adult that I am. My Instagram poll showed a 100% of other (child)abuse survivors react with the freeze response too.   My earliest memory of the freeze response is from when I was 11 years old (but I have most likely frozen a lot…

  • Behavioural Wednesday – Dependency

    In recent conversations with my mentor we discussed how independent I am in a lot of areas, or I wouldn’t have managed to live by myself for almost 12 years now. I am not sure how I learnt to do this, maybe because I had to. Maybe it was pure survival. I have been taking care of myself and the family ever since my dad has had different types of strokes, heart attacks and a life threatening accident at work (he had another accident at work which killed him 12 1/2 years ago). This started when I was 10 years old, this was also the year I was stopped being…

  • When we have to say goodbye to our therapists

    Goodbyes… Everyone has dealt with them and everyone is going to deal with them again. Saying goodbye is a part of life. Whether you or someone you love moves away or when someone dies, goodbye is inevitable. Right now, I am facing them again. It’s time to say goodbye to both of my therapists.   Goodbye gives closure. There have been a lot of moments in my life where I wasn’t able to say goodbye. Surrounded by mostly toxic people these “friendships” where either cut off by me (because I saw that the person was using me or trying to control me) or by others (because they saw that I…

  • Do we really mourn our childhood?

    It’s been a while since my last post, a lot has been going on and I wasn’t able to blog about it. Anyone who follows me on social media will know bits and pieces of how I’ve been dealing with everything. I have been dealing with a lot since I started EMDR therapy. I thought it would be easier to handle than Exposure Therapy and in a way, it is. There is still the fact that trauma is trauma and no matter what type of therapy you get to help you heal from them, they are not magically less difficult. I am stuck with the trauma I am working on…

  • Dissociative subtype of PTSD or Dissociative Identity Disorder?

    Last week I saw my dear friend T. again. She was in the neighbourhood and invited me for coffee or lunch in a place nearby. I opted for coffee but, and we should have known, it turned out to be both. We have so much to talk about, that next time we should just go for lunch straight away! At some point during our many conversations, she asked me how she can spot the dissociation signs, both obvious and less obvious. She told me she doesn’t want to send me home by myself when I am in a dissociative state and afraid. Honestly, this is the first time anyone cares…

  • Dissociation part 2

    It has been almost a month since my last blog post, I honestly thought it was close to two weeks. A lot has happened in the last month and  I have severe dissociative episodes. A lot of people have been telling me they don’t notice anything when I am dissociating, part of that has to do with the fact that I have used this coping skill since I was little. I go on auto pilot and go to work and meet with friends and do all my normal things. So here it is, dissociation part 2.   I can feel outside my body whilst I work (like I’m watching myself…

  • Uncovered Emotions

    The last week my thoughts and emotions have been all over the place. Opening up about the sexual abuse after 20 years, is extremely difficult. Together with my therapist I have been exploring how I must have felt whilst I kept everything to myself. This uncovered a lot of hidden emotions, which at times scare me.   Being an emotional dumping ground for everyone, I have difficulty to recognise my own emotions. My first responds to “What are you thinking?” and “What are you feeling?” is, “I don’t know”. Followed by “Sad?” or a different emotion. I never learnt to recognise my own emotions because I wasn’t allowed to have…

  • EMDR or Exposure Therapy?

    There are a lot of moments in your life in which you have to ask yourself, “Is this still effective?”. Working on my recovery, I have stumbled on a lot of those moments. And right now I am there again. EMDR or Exposure Therapy?     Since the last Exposure Therapy session didn’t exactly go as planned. I’m left with the decision whether or not to go through with it. At first I thought the anxiety it opened up was a good thing. It was after I was unable to leave the house and spiralled into a depression again, I realised it wasn’t as good as I had hoped for.…