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Child sexual abuse

A name to what happened to me. When you name something, you make it real. Just like how I named child abuse and narcissistic abuse, I gave a name to what happened to me. Because it has, all of it has happened to me. I am aware this will come as a shock to people who know me. I was between the age of 9 and 12. And once when I was 17.

Survivor

The inevitable has happened, maybe this is what I have been afraid of all along. Traumas I know I locked away surfaced and I cannot hide them any more. That is what happens when you recover from trauma. The truth unlocks. And now I start to understand why I have, ever since I was a teenager, ran away when a guy shows any interest. I had a boyfriend 6 years ago, which ended before it got serious. And even with him, I was afraid of touch. It didn’t matter I had known him for over 5 years prior.

I was abused by peers, by 2 members of my own family and a friend’s father. We were children, maybe they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong. All I know is, it felt very wrong. My friend’s father certainly knew what he was doing and what he was trying to do. I was ashamed, ashamed of myself and I always told myself it was nothing and I should never tell anyone.

Every time the events popped up in my head, I told myself I shouldn’t exaggerate the events because I wasn’t raped. As quickly as they passed, I locked them away again. I didn’t want to think about it. I may not have been raped, but what happened is sexual abuse. It’s hard to admit this to myself, just like I found it hard to admit I am a survivor of child abuse.

Now that I have accepted the fact I am a survivor of child abuse, I have to admit and learn to accept the fact I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. The first step is writing this down here on my blog. This has been eating at me for over 2 weeks. I don’t see my therapist until Friday and I have to tell her in order to go on with the exposure. Until now  I never admitted to this with any health professional I have seen. I would look them in the eye and say no, I have not. Every single time they asked me.

Who is going to believe me? I know they will deny or not remember any of it. They will tell me it never happened, just like they told me over and over how what my mother did never happened. It did happen and I know it happened. I will repeat it again: I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.

Love & Light, Sandra

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