It has been quite a while since my last post. The reason for that is dissociation, I simply did not know three weeks have passed by. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, other times it feels like a week ago. Which is exactly what happened now. I thought my last blog post was a week ago until I read it was posted on the 11th. I want to share more information with you about dissociation.
Now, you might think “why don’t you use a planner?” or “why don’t you make to do lists?”. I do, I do all of things to remind myself of tasks that need to be done. Often times I even forget appointments until the night before, or until I receive a reminder. See, that’s the thing about dissociation. It’s not about being unable to plan, or being lazy, or whatever negative things people have claimed of me to be. I can spend a whole day doing nothing, or do a lot of things without finishing them. At the end of the day, I don’t have a clue of what I have done that day. I can spend a day out having fun, at the end of the day it may seem like it happened the day before.
It’s not just losing perception of time, it’s also staring in to space, like you are day dreaming. Go in to a fantasy world, feeling like you are looking at a movie or that you are in a dream (detachment from yourself). I made a list of symptoms for better explanation.
symptoms of dissociation I experience:
- Detachment (feeling like you’re watching your life as in a movie, that your body isn’t yours. Looking in the mirror and not recognising yourself)
- De-realisation (feeling like the world is not real or distorted)
- Confused about your identity (like behaving in ways you normally wouldn’t)
- Memory problems (not remembering what just happened, what you were just talking about, what you have done all day)
- Other cognitive problems (not remembering your own name or your age. Not knowing what year it is, losing weeks at the time. Experiencing like things happened yesterday instead of a week ago. Concentration problems)
- Living in a fantasy world (pretending to live in a different, better world)
There are many more symptoms which are also connected to dissociative disorders. As far as I know my dissociation is part of PTSD, so I won’t discuss the other disorders here. If you want to know more about dissociative disorders, go to: www.psychiatry.org. (If you know a better website that explains dissociative disorders, please share them with me So I can either replace or add them).
I never knew they are part of dissociation. I also didn’t realise I had all but one of them. Most of the time I didn’t realise it was a problem, even though they scared me a lot of times (the memory problems and my confusion of identity were fantastic tools for toxic people to use against me). I knew about the fantasy world. It’s something I know I do (I became aware as an adult), I am just not always able to prevent it from happening. The fantasy worlds developed when I was around 10 years old, when the abuse became severe. This is the first time I talk about it because I have always been highly ashamed about it. I knew it wasn’t “normal”.
Recently I discovered I do that so I don’t have to think about traumas when I am alone (it mostly happens when I am alone). I have never discussed this in therapy either, that’s how I ashamed I was about it. I wanted to share this, it’s part of me. It also explains (hopefully) why my blogging might seem inconsistent. It might also explain for the people who know me and read my blog, why I might behave a certain way or seem to not pay attention in a conversation (I might have just been called back to my fantasy world because of a flashback).
Do you have symptoms of dissociation? Or do you know anyone who does? Let me know!
Love & Light, Sandra