Where do you start a story about child abuse? Or how do you tell a story about child abuse, when your memory and sense of self is fragmented due to the abuse?
I grew up in an abusive household, where my mother was the abuser and who taught my brother it was good to abuse me too. I am certain my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder co-morbid with another personality disorder. I am however not a professional who can professionally diagnose her. This disorder also prevents them from getting proper diagnoses because they believe there is nothing wrong with them, it’s everyone else who are wrong. My brother has a developmental disorder which hides a lot of his narcissistic traits and abusive behaviour, this is why it’s hard to diagnose co-morbid disorders. Whether they are diagnosed or not, is not the point of this story. It just gives you a little bit of information as to why they are abusive. My dad was more like me and that’s why I also grew up with a them versus us mentality. Abusers versus victims and I learnt to freeze and flight (to survive I also developed the PTSD fight response as a teenager until I moved out when I was 18). Why my dad never left and took me with him? I will never know, he died in an accident at work when I was just 18. My mother divorced him just before my birthday.
My earliest memory of abuse is from when I was 5. My earliest memory of neglect goes as far back as the age of 3. My whole life I wondered why I was so unlovable and why nobody loved me, this grew as a teen when my dad spent several times in hospital fighting for his life and I was fully exposed to my mother’s abuse. In that time she also cut her parents out of our lives, so I had nowhere to go. I spent several times in therapy before I was a teen and later. My whole life I believed I was the problem. When I was 17 I tried to take my life after suffering from a depression for a couple of years. I had to go to a clinic and I thought they’d finally find out what was the real problem. Because I was taught not to talk about anything, they didn’t. And once again I was a problem. From the age of 18 until 22 I spent several times in therapy and had several diagnosis but they never looked deeper.
Until last year, I told myself I must be exaggerating the situation in my head, or they would have diagnosed me with PTSD in 2010. I was finally diagnosed with PTSD in 2017, on top of that I was also diagnosed with chronic depression and social anxiety disorder. With this I was finally able to get the right therapy to help me and I have had a wonderful therapist who helped me with exposure therapy. Exposure therapy however became too much to handle I switched to EMDR, which was the right choice. EMDR helps me so much further even though I now have a break from therapy. My therapists both left and I have to get used to a new one. I am sure she will help me further because I trust my therapists who looked for my new one.
I have different types of childhood abuse to heal from and with this website I want to break the silence of what happened to me. I also want share the daily struggles with my PTSD and other disorders. I’d like to welcome you to follow me along on my journey with PTSD.