There are silver linings in my recovery. Last week I noticed some significant changes in my thought process. I promised myself to tell the people close around me (a.k.a. neighbours who I used to see every single week), what had been going on with me. I was able to calm myself down and reprocess my thoughts and see different perspectives.
“The great courageous act that we must all do, is to have the courage to step out of our history and past so that we can live our dreams.”
― Oprah Winfrey
Of course, my thought process wasn’t healthy and it sure still isn’t. I went on to ‘let the world know nobody is hurting me and nobody can get to me’ and ‘I will not be afraid of those who will not see my truth’, all while feeling hurt and afraid inside. And this stopped me. I realised it wasn’t healthy and definitely not reality. It was the same way that the people who used and abused me perceive the world and with a lot more of their unhealthy damaging ways. I’d let this sink in and tried to think about what I had learnt about myself so far.
why do I want my neighbours to know what has been going on? Well, I want to tell them my truth, for the same reason I started this blog. To open up, to not feel ashamed, broken and guilty anymore. Does it matter whether they believe me or not? No, it does not. Just like my brother and I have different realities of what has happened during our childhood and beyond. Every single person in the world has a different reality than I have, if that means they don’t respect me or my reality, they are not the kind of people I should want to be around. I want to no longer be bullied in to silence about what happened to me and why I am the way I am.
Last week I bumped in to these neighbours on my way to supermarket, it was a very bad day and I was filling my head with thoughts like “Wanna bet you will bump in to people on this bad day?” “Wanna bet they will make you feel worse?” “Wanna bet they are going to ask you all sorts of intrusive questions you need to defend?”. At the same time I was holding a false shield around me with “They can’t get to me”. And of course I bumped in to them, three of them to be exact. Instantly I felt judged, attacked and small. They hadn’t even said anything yet. We stopped, I noticed they looked worried. They asked (well, commented) they don’t see me anymore, and that a specific person doesn´t.
I started off with my defence, but not long after I stood there crying my eyeballs out for everyone to see. I told them what had been going on and I found out they were never against me, they were worried. They know the person and they know me, and have seen this situation happening before. Relieve came over me. I was manipulated so bad in to believing these people were against me. Felt like I couldn’t trust them when I was ‘on my own’. I was invited to coffee whenever I wanted. I was sceptical, but it got me to rethink about the whole situation and what my core self knew about these people. Okay, so the way they communicated with me, didn’t do me any good, it made me more suspicious about how “bad they were”.
Now I know, it’s their way of communication and I learnt a whole lot about this generation (they are in their 80s), from this experience. I talked to them another time in to more detail about myself and about this situation. It is clear to me, a lot of people know about this from other situations. This helps with my recovery. I feel less isolated, knowing they never had anything against me. And the fact they are not angry that I was led to believe they were bad people, in fact they understand.Love & Light, Sandra