Now that it’s time for me to learn to take control and take care of myself, I can see just how much I have always neglected myself. Being surrounded by toxic people didn’t help me much either. After all, if I focus on me, I will lose focus on them. So they made sure I kept neglecting myself, I don’t think they even noticed. Self absorbed and other toxic people only notice what affects them. How different is it that I now only have people around me who want me to recover and heal. Who like me, care for one another and want nothing but the best for them. Without hidden agendas. They take care of themselves and want me to take care of myself too. And that’s what I want as well. I feel like I need to relearn a lot of things, because the destructive internal messages need to change. I am grateful I have a mentor who is really helpful.
Growing up my mother didn’t take care of me, I took care of her. Every little thing she had to do for me, to take care of me was too much. I often walked around with worn out clothes, either too big or too small. I was overweight from an early age and I still am. Doctors put me on a diet and my mother would listen to them for two weeks or so and then the diet was gone. And this went on for a couple of years. I was like my father and would never lose the weight. Her words, not mine. By the time I was ten I often went without breakfast and lunch. My dad was in the hospital a lot fighting for his life or had already gone to work.
My mother didn’t get the attention she needed and stayed in bed all day. Covert narcissists do suffer from depression when their needs are not met by outside sources. I went to school, cleaned the whole house, took care of everyone but myself. There was nobody to take care of me. I had to beg for new socks or underwear and I was lucky if I got my needed school supplies on time.
Due to dissociative amnesia, I don’t remember most of what I have been through. I do know that the neglect still affects me today. I have to be super conscious about eating all my meals, I have to be super conscious to make sure they are healthy. It’s a blessing that I get great help with meal planning and healthy foods. Before I wouldn’t eat or it would be unhealthy a lot of the time. I didn’t get the right nutrition and now I do. More often than not, I forget to brush my teeth at night. I walk out of the house not realising I spilt something on my clothes. Nor do I realise when they have a hole in them until someone points it out. And I feel like a child, every time. There has always been the struggle to keep my apartment tidy and clean, it’s too overwhelming and when you run around taking everyone, you don’t have the energy to clean either. I have definitely seen worse, but it does show how used I am to neglecting myself.
The toxic belief I grew with is: I do not matter. I don’t deserve to be taken care of and I don’t deserve to take care of myself. I’m merely here to take care of others. People controlled me, ever since I was born.
The past month incredible changes have been made in my brain and I can see and feel that I deserve to take care of myself. In every aspect of my life. I have been making list of things I need to do or want to do, to take care of myself. It’s difficult because PTSD tells me that I can’t. I’m being selfish and only think about myself and my body keeps shutting down. The flashbacks and intrusive thoughts are intense and I feel like my mother is here to make sure I don’t do anything for myself. In between the PTSD attacks, I make sure I do what feels best for me. I make sure I do what makes me happy. Below is a list of self care I made for daily and short term. One day, I will be happy taking care of myself.
I have never spoken up about these struggles, I was always ashamed of them. Now I know, it’s due to childhood neglect.
I deserve to take care of myself. I matter too. It’s time that I start to take care of little me.
Love & Light, Sandra