Chaos happens. It’s a new type of chaos, that doesn’t feel as heavy as the old chaos. Whoever follows me on social media already read or noticed I have been doing amazingly well lately. Not that PTSD is gone and that I am cured; it’s more of being able to deal with triggers, stay in the present and more importantly: look in to the future. It’s been going so well, I don’t even need EMDR therapy for now. What does this mean for my blog? Not much, apart from the fact I realised I want to start to write about my progress and my future. This means I will write less about what has happened and how therapy helped me recovery to the point where I am today.
I stopped writing blog posts because everything became a little too much. I dissociated a lot, which didn’t leave much room other than my outdoor activities like volunteer work and connect with my friends and strangers on Instagram. Now I know I was pulled back a little only to be launched into better days. On new year’s day I saw how this is the first year I start without abusers who control me. After a few rough weeks because of a trigger, I had a break through. I might have been triggered, I did not hide and isolate myself. This was new, especially because I felt like everybody was against me and not just one person. I was able to deal with everything with my adult self, even though little me was trying to convince again of how terrifying the world is in her eyes.
After writing a few pieces for others, I’m now back on my own blog. I am not sure how I am going to schedule this yet, as I dissociate less and planning works a lot better. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I want to focus on my progress, future, healing and art. That’s why I plan to write about those things in various topics. Occasionally I will write about my traumas because it’s part of the process, only I don’t want to put the focus on it for now.
There are a lot of good people in my life right now and a lot of good things are happening and are going to happen. PTSD plays part in the overwhelming feelings and new fears I experience. I have people who are going to help me make my apartment, my apartment with new flooring and everything. Tuesday they are going to measure the floors and mentor and I are going to look for what I want on Thursday. After the floors it will slow down because it’s all going a little too fast for me to cope with. I just know I don’t have to finish all the sanding and painting by myself. I will have curtains in every room and everything will look finished. It won’t be a 10 year plan anymore.
When it comes to my art I decided I had to discover where I get most of my inspiration from; that has to be God. The Bible helps me so much, not just with my faith but also with my art. That’s where I want to put my focus on, which doesn’t mean I will never make anything else anymore. It means I can only grow in that which gives me the most inspiration. Speaking of God, I’ll be baptised on 24th of February and that’s a life changing decision for me. My life changed before this decision, obviously. Now I’m ready to be closer to God.
One of my dearest friends is getting married in 2020 and I will travel all the way over to Canada for the wedding. Before that happens, I have plans to travel to England again. I want to travel more because it makes me happy and I love to explore in the cheapest possible way. It’s an adventure for me and I need that.
Well, that’s it for now. A big update with changes. I’m looking forward to what’s ahead of me.